I've been slacking, here's more from the journaling book.

What pets have you had through your life and what did you love about each one.

When I was born my mother had a cat, her name was Toes. She was apparently very patient with me when I was young letting me pull her tail and such without scratching or hissing at me. She
was my first and best friend, the reason I love cats so much now.

When I was 9 my grandmother got me a fish from Ben Franklin's, it was dead the next morning,, I don't think I even had time to name it, she took me back there to get a replacement fish and we got Gilligan, fish freaked me out, I was too scared to clean his bowl, certain if I tried to catch him in the net his fins would break and stick out at odd angles forever more. He was a survivor if nothing else, tolerating a solitary life, with distorted giants feeding him.

My sister brought a cat home when I was 12, ended up leaving it when she moved out. This was Beezer. Tupid Tummertault Kiki Anderson was his full name, as a kitten he would run into things and then somersault away from them. his name was shortened to Beezer, short for Beelzebub which he earned by his mischievious adventures.

Jeremiah and I moved to Des Moines from Seattle to take care of his dog, Kitsune. She was sweet, smart and gentle, but really his baby.

Bear & Mulder J and I took his parents' ferrets when they moved on to the boat. Mulder was a troublemaker, getting into things she ought not to, trying to dig her way into the closet or burrow into your shoe. Bear was a love, if not the smartest critter.

Willy and Puck we inherited from our room-mate Matthew. Puck was too skittish to really get to know. Willy was a snuggler, he would lie on my chest and watch Buffy marathons with me, or read Harry Potter books. I miss him bundles.

Lilly J rescued from the jaws of his mother's golden retriever. She was so helpless, just a little stunned kitten barely bigger than my hand when we got her. I love her markings, the little white eyeliner around her eyes they way she snuggles you only when there are no witnesses.I love her for guarding me when I take a bath for I clearly cannot be trusted not to drown myself, I went into water willingly after all. I like that she sleeps with her humans, an odd quality for a cat and I love that she taught Bella to do so too.

Bella, my beautiful Bella Noche. She loves to snuggle, loves to "help" whether it's reading, surfing the web, or taking a shower. Just today she climbed up on the ledge of the tub between the decorative curtain and the clear plastic one that keeps everything dry and then chased the droplets of water as they ran down the curtain. She loves her big "sister" Lily and tries to be like her in many ways. She also looks much like Toes, being part Siamese and mostly black with thinned "eyebrow" patches

For Xmas I got my brother's family a game, essentially it's just questions to get people talking. I got a version for our house and a journal edition as well, so I'm going to go through the journal and post my entries here, writing practice, part sharing random nonsense with my friends and the interwebs at large. If a particular question strikes a chord with you, wouldn't it be fun to write or link it in the comments section?

I have a few versions of this. The clearest picture is of family. When I was 17 or so I thought the ideal suburbanite Sunday would be waking up with my hubby, the 3 kids climbing into bed with us. Reading the paper then making brunch together while blasting music from The Beatles. Afterward we would go to the zoo, the park, or a museum and come home, call for take-out and watch a movie or play a few board games till bedtime.

At this point I'm really not sure about kids, I may just be too crazy right now for them and I keep thinking that if there was money to throw at it the problem would go away. If it was no big deal to spend $20-$30 per outfit knowing full well that it would have to be replaced in 2-3 months, if there were multiple cars, and childcare I trusted, and money for a maid, and proper baby furniture and his/her own room(s). But maybe not, maybe I'll just never have the patience for kids?

Sorry that was a bit off topic. For now my perfect Sunday is really not that much different, Brunch or Lunch with friends after sleeping in, going out to a movie,coffee or doing something we both/all enjoy (video games/crafting/baking) take-out/going out to dinner/ or sharing a dinner we made together then more chatting/ shared interest activity then going our separate ways, or not ;) and sleeping.

In an attempt to hold myself more accountable I'm posting my resolutions here.

1. Make healthier choices
2. Follow through.
3. Be a better friend
4. Make new friends
5. Take time out of life to actually live

Looking back on the past year it's easy for me to remember all the trials. I just read that people tend to remember negative events 4 times longer than the good things, but by writing down the good bits and rereading them occasionally one can retrain their brain. So without further adieu, the good bits of the past year, though they be few.

Jan- Found a house to rent so I could live with my loves without tripping over everybody.
Feb - Moved into said house
Mar- When all 3 of us lost our jobs, J and I losing the best jobs we've had to date both in money and enjoyment we found that our sense of humor and commitment to each other could float us through.
April - Norwescon :D
May was a bit of a blur
June- David can haz windfall (whew)
July- Jeremiah got to go to a memorial service in CA for his great-uncle, whom he much admired and got to reconnect with family
August- David gets a job-YAY!
September - Nahalen starts school, does really well and likes it.
October- Got to attend a birthday party for a friend and meet some neat people.(no ice in them, I'm pretty sure)
November- KITTENS!!!!
December- Resolved some things in me own head, some of them were holding me back. I look forward to a much better year and wish the same for all of you.

I've been floating for the past few years, with no direction and nothing's getting done. I'm trying to remember who I'm supposed to be and what I should doing. I have an appointment coming up on the 4th so I can maybe get some meds, therapy and career counseling. But I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I've been told (repeatedly)I have some misdirected/lazy genius lying about. All I've ever really wanted to do was write, but I'm dry right now. No ideas whatsoever. So I need to come up with a day job, something to pay the bills and let me actually live until I can write and sell books.

Money wise I'd like a bundle, it's my usual making up for lost time desire. 75-100k is optimal, 40k is bare minimum and yes, I realize full well I'll have to work up to this.

The things that I have/ historically have had a strong interest in: Philosophy, Religion, Ethics, Learning, Languages, Asia (China & Japan), Art, Psychiatry, helping people(esp. homeless)

I work well with deadlines, project based work with some downtime or routine/repetitive tasks e.g. do a,b,c and d to account 1 repeat for accounts 2-..., regular feedback is a huge bonus

DO NOT WANT: anything to do with kids, am not a "people person" I can deal with co-workers but will be somewhat distant, not all buddy buddy with them.

If anyone knows of a job that fits, might fit or any cheap to free help it would be appreciated

I was skimming through a few books I got from the library trying to find my next read. I picked up Change Your Brain Change Your Life, got bored with trying to read about the EEG and SPECT tests and thumbed through the index where I swear the phrase " (send me your PENGUINS, I collect them)" was printed, now I wanted to just chalk this up to my crazy and forget about it, but this is the first time I've ever crazied with alternating type. After a thorough looking though I am, perhaps somewhat predictably, unable to find anything about penguins capitalized or no in the index. So with much fear for my very last little shredded scrap of sanity I tromp off to bed.

I'm down on myself pretty hard for not working to potential. My code is neither functional nor elegant. I'm an ordinary girl taking care of a screaming baby. I'm trying to be self-sacrificing and good and put others needs and wants before my own and that is making me angry which in turn makes me feel like a nasty little troll rather than a human being. I figured out the key to my happiness is going to involve dealing with my family on a much less regular basis, and shortly after I decided that my aunt had a stroke, she's been in a nursing home the past 6 weeks, was kicked out this week for not improving to medicare's standards and if the surgery doesn't go well next month my mom is going to have 1 fewer friends around, seeing as she's lost one really dear friend in February and another is moving to Melbourne for the next 2-5 years while his wife is in grad school and losing my aunt will leave her with one friend outside the 5 cousins she was raised with I worry about her and feel like a troll for needing to be away from her. My magics are at a level of epic fail and I don't know how to deal. I want to get my septum fixed and get some meds and some therapy, go back to school and get back to a point where I can drive again and get a car. For I am not a bussy girl.

Jeremiah is going down to Cali for his Great-Uncle's memorial. He's coming back on the 29th and at that time we are starting the detox diet that Morgan Spurlock's gf put him on after Supersize Me. So that means vegan, no sugar or processed foods. Anyway this is to be the start of some new attitudes toward our health and whatnot. I've heard whispers about other people trying to be healthier so I think HEALTHY VEGAN WELCOME BACK PARTY would any of you like to come? I'm thinking of either holding at the house on Wednesday, or maybe stealing some space at the social at the spot.

Also since losing our jobs J and I have been lumps, sleeping til 4, reading, watching a seriously unhealthy amount of Scrubs re-runs, so I'm making a calendar of activities, low-cost cause we're unemployed and invite any of you to come along, so far I'm planning on using the free day at SAM, SAAM and the sci-fi museum on the 6th and then going down to Point Defiance on the 13th.

Also, not to jinx it, but it seems my decade long writer's block is lifting, but all my stories are asiancentric I worry a bit cause while it's all well and good to be writing again, but will my little scribblings be ill received coming from a gaikokujing?

1. Alaskan Cruise
2. Japan
3. Germany
4. a week at Ocean Shores
5. Back to Tucson to visit friends

Stealing a page from loba's LJ, my top 5 thankfuls.

5. I am thankful for DayQuil, even if it does taste like fermented yak urine.
4. I am thankful for family, and am a bit surprised to be so.
3. I am thankful on behalf of all children in safe, loving, stable homes.
2. I am thankful for my personal strength, even though it hides sometimes.
1. I am thankful I have stayed child free, while I raise myself

So the other day I was looking around at different sorts of schools and whatnot, I had decided with some sense of dread and despair to go into teaching as there is a shortage and all and there's free money to be given for teachers. In order to get said free money, you have to teach in poor districts in one of the shortage fields, right now in WA, that means math and science, I was putting on a brave face and convincing myself to tough out the 4 years I would have to teach something I hated in a last ditch effort to make something of my life. Then I filled out some info for an aptitude test (which told me to stay the hell away from math and science cause the arts is where I oughta be) and put in my real info. Wednesday I got a call from the International Academy of Design and Technology, (I've passed there building in Southcenter a few times and have always thought I should check them out/ gotten a warm fuzzy vibe from the place. I took the call, spent an hour on the phone with the salesman/counselor, filled out my application, paid the fee, and talked some about where I want to go with my life and want I want to be when I grow up. A little encouragement, a little handholding and I am further along in the application process than I've been able to push myself into these past 2 months. Assuming I can find a loan for the 5k I have to take care of after I've maxed out the amount for my federal stafford loans I will start classes on July 27th and a short 21 months later I should have my AA,then on to a BFA, I'll be a real person with a real job :) Finally the clouds seem to be lifting a bit. I'm just left wondering why I've stood in my own way for so long. I was like 8 or 9 when I decided I wanted to be an artist, I wanted to live in a loft/penthouse or some huge manor with a pool and I wanted to have lovers (at that tender age I knew monogomy wasn't my style) Gods, it's been such a waste of time.

I sent a message via facebook to the guy who molested me when I was five, saying I remembered some things and offering forgiveness if he filled in the gaps. There were a thousand and one ways this could have gone wrong, but it went wrong in a way I never expected. His mom has e-mailed 3 members of my family with a copy of the letter and a request for an explanation. WTF??? Did he get it and e-mail it to his mom? Did she snoop and find it? Is he in an institution and unable to handle things so much she screens his mail? I am confused

k, I feel kinda sick in my tummy. I asked everyone nicely to talk me out of it, but no one did so I just sent off a letter to the guy who molested me asking him to fill in the gaps in my memory. Most nervous I've ever been. Did I just do something horribly dumb?

Ok, so I had a bad babbysitter when I was like 6 or 7 Anyway I didn't remember anything about it til I was 13 and went to a wedding and my former babysitter/molester was there, since then I've recollected bits from a porn movie he watched while babysitting me, I remember the time he took me into our hot tub I had a swimsuit he wore nothing. and then there was the time I rode my big wheel with him to the nature trail not far from the house, I don't remember much from that time except he made me leave my bike in the bushes at the beginning of the trail, there was rootbeer and ritz at some point and I think he carried me and my bike home. I came away from that day with an aversion to root beer, a fear of snakes and...some other badish feelings but nothing concrete. I've tried to remember what happened, but no good. Anyway the point of the story is I've been thinking that the best/only way to get the memory back is to chat with the only other person that was there. I've been looking on the interwebz for this guy for the past couple years, unsuccessfully, he shares a name with a popular singer which made wading through the searches tedious, anyway just for the heck of it I looked him up on facebook last week and there he was, I know it's the right one for sure. I'm past all my anger with him, I just want to know what happened for sure, I realize he probably won't tell me, but what other chance do I have? So your mission dear friends: talk me out of doing something stupid and messaging this guy/ or if you think it's a good plan help me draft/edit the message.

K, so LJ says it's been 4ever since I posted and I feel guilty, so here's a post.

I got a haircut, I've wanted this sort of cut since I was 17 or so, didn't think it would look good with the roundyness of me, still am not sure it does, but eh I got it anyway.

My Bi-polar is making my life miserable enough I am again considering therapy and drugs to make it better.

Jeremiah and David and I are looking into renting a house, our credit history is severely hindering this effort and as a result I am more resolved to fix it and my poor spending habits.

As for the roundyness, I'm trying to take care of that too, yummy yummy weight loss shakes twice a day and a smallerish meal for me until I become a toothpick, or get down to a single person weight.

My contract is ending and in this economy there is no new position for me within the company so after a nuturing, wonderful, healing 17 months, I'm going to be forced out into the cold hard world to find a job. :P and that sucks.

That's all I got for now,
loves,snuggles
me